Leo Go: Leonardo DiCaprio’s Coping Song at the 2014 Oscars

On Sunday the elite of Hollywood gathered to award the “best” filmmaking of the year. Or, as host Ellen DeGeneres said, “This could go two ways tonight. 12 Years a Slave could win Best Picture, or you’re all racist.”

Well, contrary to what many would think, Hollywood is not racist, and the hard-to-watch-but-important-to-make film by Steve McQueen won the biggie at the end of the evening.

But for some people in the crowd, that wasn’t the highlight of the evening. For one in particular, that entire moment was drowned out by the song playing in his head after finding out he had lost the Best Performance by a Lead Actor award to a bronze god from Texas.

Oh, poor Leonardo DiCaprio.

Cate Blanchett picked up Best Lead Actress for Blue Jasmine, and then it was time. Jennifer Lawrence — whose red carpet fall was not, unlike her 2013 fall, caused by Leo but by a poorly placed safety cone –read the nominees. Leo waited in the audience, looking like this as he waited to hear if his performance in The Wolf of Wall Street would finally win him a little gold man:

How's
I bet Leo’s hand tastes better than the LA-made pizza Ellen ordered.

And in a flash, it was over. The Academy had yet again turned away from Leo, leaving him out in the cold without an award.

Titanic cold.
Too soon?

On the outside, Leo congratulated Matthew McConaughey with a handshake and a hug. The guy was all right (all right, all right) — at least he had been fun on the set of Wolf but nothing could make Leo feel better. Not even John Travolta’s Idina Menzel introduction gaff that beat out Leo’s renaming of Philomena at the Golden Globes could improve things.

"I'm going to
“Thanks to my experience stealing things in dreams, I’m going to show you how you can lose an Oscar in ten days. So you better lock your doors tonight.”

The strong voice of Menzel (or Adele Nazeem, as Travolta called her) still rang in his ears, but the lyrics had changed. McConaughey’s very McConaughey acceptance speech faded into the background as Leo began to sing in his head a song that would have won him an Oscar for best original song, as it did for “Let It Go” writer Robert Lopez:

“Leo Go”

The Oscar goes to Matthew tonight
Not to Leo, not a thing.
An audience of losers
And it looks like I’m the King.

The people cheer on Matthew as I die inside
Have to keep it in. Marty knows I tried.

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good guy you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
You’re feeling low.

Let it go, let it go
Can’t show them that your sore
Let it go, let it go
Maybe Matt’ll leave it on the floor.

How’d it go
To McConaughey?
Sure, his shirt stayed on:
Guess those lines of fake coke really didn’t pay.

It’s funny how an Oscar
Makes a Golden Globe seem small
And the people who say they loved me
Won’t award me at all.

It’s time to show what I can do
To climb up those steps and break through
No right, no wrong, they’ll clap for me
They’ll scream:

“Leo go, Leo go
Grab that gold Oscar and then fly
Leo go, Leo go
Let’s see Matthew cry!”

But I can’t,
So here I’ll stay.
Let the show go on.

Showing my inner fury cannot be allowed
My soul is spiraling down to where it can’t be found

My life’s dreams come crashing down like Titanic’s mast.
They know I’m coming back,
Can’t get rid of me that fast!

Let it go, let it go
Next year I’ll get another nom
Let it go, let it go
Jonah’s already signed me on.

Here I stand
I’ll make them pay
Let the show go on,
I’ll get my Oscar some other way.

That’s how fourth-time-loser Leo kept from looking like this:Leonardo-DiCaprio-as-Jim-Carroll-in-The-Basketball-Diaries-leonardo-dicaprio-16242527-1152-656_large

Or this:

Leonardo-in-Romeo-Juliet-leonardo-dicaprio-22665204-1392-596

Or even this:

tumblr_ma1wqegHE31r0s0qy

In fact, it probably made him as happy as, well, the song “Happy.” We can hope that he walked out of the Dolby Theatre looking like this:

"Clap your hands if you feel like an Oscar doesn't count."
“Clap your hands if you feel like an Oscar doesn’t count.”

After all, next year would be another year. And (unlike Rose) he’d never let go.

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One Comment

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  1. Ahahah that song is sooo funny!but poor Leo!such a shame,he deserved this Oscar(and many others) :(

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